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Let’s see if I can pull this off. For Search Engine Land, SEOMoz, Matt Cutts, and really just about anybody in the SEO industry.

Quick disclaimer: This is not meant to reflect reality in any way. I was just trying to have some Halloween fun. SEOs like to demonize Google’s algorithm updates, especially the black hat ones, and Google’s Spam Team likes to demonize SEOs for trying to “game” the system (yes, some SEOs use some unsavory tactics, but I’d call this a stereotype). The following is meant to take that strife and blow it out to an extreme. That’s it. I’m not saying this is Google’s plan for our future or anything like that.

Enough of that: On to the bad poetry!

The Spam Team

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a trite and cliché webpage of SEO lore,
While I nodded, nearly sleeping, suddenly there came a weeping,
As of someone greatly grieving, grieving at my office door.
“‘Tis frustration,” I muttered, “weeping at my office door –
Only this, and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember, each alone on UNIX servers,
With each separate greening letter foisting websites on the world.
Eagerly I wished for better; vainly I had sought to fetter
From each site spammy letters; letters for the GoogleBot;
For the mythic elusive program whom the Googlers live for;
Nameless here for evermore.

And the snappy quick confident clicking of each keyboard button
Chilled me – filled me with abysmal sadness never felt before;
So that now, to quell the depression in me, I went retreating
“‘Tis frustration entreating qual’ty at my office door –
Somebody entreating qual’ty at my office door; -
This it is, and nothing more.”

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was keeping track of keywords you are reaping,
And so faintly you came weeping, weeping at my office door,
That I knew not what you were weeping for” – I opened the door; -
Hallway there, and nothing more.

Each way down the hallway peering, long I stood there wondering, hearing,
Worried, asking questions of my sanity I had often asked before;
But the weeping was unbroken, and the hallway gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the mumbled word, “Hello?”
This I mumbled, and an echo murmured back the word, “Hello?”
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the office turning, all my mind within me churning,
Wondering whence the weeping came somewhat louder than before.
“I guess,” said I, “I guess that someone must be at my window;
Why would someone be at my window? This mystery I’ll explore.
Why on earth would they avoid using a perfectly good front door?
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!”

So of course I lift the blinds up, when, with on their shirts to remind us,
Wrought in black the words “Spam Team” five men I’d never seen before.
Presently the door beside me, in a crash flung open quickly,
And with desperate whirling came he in through my office door,
The door crashing closed behind as he ran through my office door,
Leaned to it and nothing more.

Then his flushed face turned to smiling, knocking behind him coming,
Flung the door once more open, showing the Spam Team at the door,
“Hello! You startled me my dear friends,” he said, “Here to make amends?
Yes, amends for ruining my business with updates galore,
Tell me what you have to say about my #1 spot upon your shore!”
Quoth the Spam Team, “Nevermore.”

Much I marveled hearing such brief words spoken so plainly,
A rare answer filled with meaning – far more direct than before;
“Surely you cannot bereave me,” said my boss, greatly grieving,
“Surely you and I agree that I’ve lived up to my rapport,
An advocate for businesses, I’ve lived up to this rapport,
How can you say “Nevermore?”

But the Spam Team, standing boldly in that chartreuse room, spoke only,
That one word, as if from that one word all judgment did outpour,
Nothing further then was spoken – and the silence still unbroken –
Till I spoke my only notion, “Strange to find you at our door –
We’ve done nothing that requires such a queer visit at our door.”
Then the team said, “Nevermore.”

“What’s our crime?” said my boss, broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“You’ve told us not with your repeating barrage of ‘Nevermore,’
For what do we owe this honor of a house call from the armor
That keeps users safe from conners selling scams upon your shore –
What crime have we done, what actions have we done which you abhor?
To be heard of nevermore?”

But the Spam Team stood there smiling saying nothing, looking sideling,
As my boss, sighing, sat upon the plush couch nearby the door.
Thereupon the cushion sinking, he perplexed himself with linking
Theories of our error, thinking what this new update had in store –
What this ominous, new, black and white update creature had in store
That led the Team to “Nevermore.”

I wondered such myself in passing, studying and amassing
Data about the update to solve the mysteries in store;
This we both sat defining, sometimes talking then refining
Puzzling over what our sudden zero index was all for,
Wond’ring if paid search was the only future we had in store,
Organic here? Nevermore!

This, we thought, must be the answer, search dying from its own cancer
A thousand tweaks to make it impossible to leave the floor.
“So, relevancy is now tied to the size of a company?”
He asked. “Relent from this harm you do to upstart owners poor!
Stop cramming corporations on every top spot upon your shores!”
Quoth the Spam Team, “Nevermore.”

“Villain!” said he, “You charlatan – evil still, despite the drivel!
In your stance to not be evil you breach the oath you swore!
You help only those well-moneyed, no help at all to those deprived,
Sinking all who have not proffered to the base of your search’s floor.
Is this not the evil of which you spoke? Truly, I implore!”
Quoth the Spam Team, “Nevermore.”

“Villain!” said he, “You charlatan – evil still, despite the drivel!
By the Heaven above us I say that’s rotten to the core.
Tell small businesses beleaguered if, between now and forever
We shall grasp a coveted top rank within your index scores –
Grasp a rare and knighted top rank within your index scores?”
Quoth the Spam Team, “Nevermore.”

“Shouldn’t you thus then be parting?” cried my boss, flushing, upstarting –
“Depart back to that dark place where all fairness is now abhorred!
Leave not a mud track to remind me the contempt you have for me!
Leave us all to suffer silently – get out now! There’s the door.
Take your knife from my back before you go to hurt us all once more.
Quoth the Spam Team, “Nevermore.”

And the Spam Team, always smiling, still is standing, still is smiling
By that plush couch sideling from my oaken office door.
And their eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
As the fluorescent lighting flickers and casts their shadows on the floor;
And we from out that office dimly leave when the bank locks our office door
To be reopened – nevermore!

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